Wednesday, October 31, 2012

WTF Wednesday: Male v. Female Halloween Costumes

As you guys know, I love Halloween. Some people would say I love it "too much," but those people are clearly not recovering theater kids like me.  And, while it's no secret that Halloween is largely an excuse for dressing really slutty with social impunity, I was really struck this year by some of the insane contrasts between male and female versions of the same outfit.  So, I decided to say "Happy Halloween" to you readers by showing you some of the most hilariously egregious examples of "sexy" female costumes found on the internet: 

First, The Bloggess featured a Male versus Female "Body Bag" costume on her blog:

Then, some internet searching revealed these favorites. 

Yeah, Sexy Ironman shouldn't be a thing. 

 Sexy Elmo?

Continuing the trend of sexy children's costumes: Sexy Nemo!

Where is the rest of Sexy Waldo's outfit?
Honestly, I don't think Andrew Lloyd Webber would have a problem with this Sexy Phantom of the Opera. 

And this is why so many women on the Mayflower died of exposure.

Mrs. Potato "Gimme Some" Head. (That's a crude joke, but honestly this costume looks less "sexy" and more like Mrs. Potato Head's second grade class ran out of fabric.)


Shark Barbie?  Aka, "how are we supposed to know that's a shark?" Aka, "Do sharks wear heels?" Aka "This is the exact same costume the comes up for 'Sexy C.S. Lewis White Witch.'" Aka, "Is this the kind of shark Jimmy Buffet was talking about in 'Fins?'"

"I like my beer WITH head HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH" - every dude at the bar. 
"I've got it, Debbie. I'm going to go as corn!"  "Bitch, you'd better make that sexy corn."  "Um, duh, what other kind of corn is there?" 
Somebody's not making it to the afterlife intact! 

"Well, I've never actually seen Star Wars, but..."

And, I'm sorry, but this is the encore:

  Um... SEXY BURKA?  I guess there is a tiny, remote possibility that this costume could be used as some sort of pointed feminist commentary about oppression of women, but for some cynical reason I'm thinking it's just going to be worn by Kim Kardashian.  Except with boob holes cut out in the middle.

Many, many of these costumes were stolen from this great Tumblr, which deserves lots of credit and has lots more costumes like this that aren't featured here.  If I've learned anything from these costumes, it's that absolutely anything can have a "sexy" ladies version.  This clinches it: next year, I'm going as Sexy Jabba the Hut.

Bonus Addendum: here's a link to my favorite thing to watch every Halloween: Girls' Costume Warehouse.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Flicky Friday (ft. Undecided Voters)

Where is my power cord? 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Hipster Traps

Ever since Rudy Giuliani revamped it in the 1990s, New York City has been a pioneer of safety for huge, dirty, bustling metropolises.  Now, some private citizens are taking it upon themselves to make their Borough a better place.  I bring you the Hipster Trap:

This one has a pack of American Spirits, a Holga camera, some wacky Wayfarers, a yellow bicycle chain, and the ubiquitous can of PBR.  (This is where my husband starts to bemoan PBR's unfairly heisted reputation as a hipster brand.  "When I was in college, it was just a good, cheap beer! Anyone could drink it.  Also you could wear plaid shirts and not be a douche." I can hear him saying it now.)

Two gents named Jeff Greenspan and Hunter Fine have set these traps in various places around the city.  According to Jeff's website,
"Urban Traps is a project where Hunter Fine and I lay traps for different subcultures in hopes of protecting neighborhoods from infestation and to collect different species for further study." 
(The pair was previously responsible for installing "Tourist Lanes" on New York City sidewalks last year as a project with the group Improv Everywhere.) Get more info on the traps here

Poor hipsters can't get a break these days, what with the "Don't Feed the Hipster" signs that proliferated last year (pro: not feeding them is how they fit into their skinny jeans), and now these totally tempting bear traps full of hipster-perfect goodies.  One flaw in the design might be the sheer size of the trap: surely if it snapped shut on any true hipster's leg, he would be skinny enough to just lift his tiny, delicate ankle out without harm.  Oh, but his Converse would still be stuck inside!  Perhaps that's how Greenspan and Fine have found most of their victims - unharmed  but unwilling to abandon their shoes, desperately Instagramming photos of their bear-trapped sneakers until they're finally caught?

The other potential risk is that the conspicuously hip-less hipster might be able to squeeze themselves into this bear trap and walk away wearing it as a kitchy belt.  Bye bye, mustache belt buckle!

Another variation on the bait: this one has hair products!
The final obstacle to catching genuine specimens with this trap is the great Catch-22 of hipsterdom:  as Kayla Webley for Time Magazine pointed out, "the joke is on the hunters. Any hipster worth their salt would have heard about the trap long before it was set."

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Greatest Writer in the World

Move over Hemingway,  I've found the new greatest writer in the world.  The below story is so heavy-handed that I'm not entirely convinced it's not a joke, but if it's not...boy, oh, boy, I can't wait for this girl's book contract! I'm sure it will be as riveting as the intentionally misspelled tell-all book I Freinded You by Anthony Wiener-textee Traci Nobles.  And all signs point to this author being as successful as intellectual peer and almost certain inspiration, Stephanie Meyer.*   I can't compete with this, y'all.  Guess I'm going back to being a lawyer:

(Click it to enlarge.)
*Stephanie Meyer wrote the Twilight books. Don't worry I had to Google it, I swear!  Also I totally didn't find this Asking Jeeves if I was a good writer or anything.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

See You Next Tuesday (Butt-Chugging.)

See You Next Tuesday is one of the Boomstick's regular columns. On Tuesdays, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure.  If you don't get the name, visit your nearest middle school playground and ask the first kid you see.  You can read previous editions here. 

I attended the Georgia/Tennesee game this weekend in Athens, Georgia, and was dismayed and disappointed to find a dearth of references to the following news article.  Back in my day, if a SEC rival made national news for some non-fatal fraternity hijinx, I daresay it would've been memoralized on posters and buttons and banners all over campus on gameday.  And if said fraternity hijinx had happend to involve the rectal insertion of girly wine, there would've been no end to the mockery.  Alas, today's crop of undergrads are either more mature or less clever than my peers, because I saw only one - one - allusion this weekend to the event widely referred to as "butt-chugging."

Yes, you read that right, "butt-chugging." A University of Tennessee Pi Kappa Alpha brother was hospitalized the weekend before the UGA/Tennessee game after allegedly being given an alcohol enema that left him with a 0.4 blood alcohol content.  Yes, you read that right, too: 0.4, more than five times the legal limit, more than four times how drunk you were when you punched that cop, and at least two times as drunk as were that time you decided solo karaoke of the Grease medley seemed like a good idea.

The story goes like this: a 20 year-old Pike brother was dropped off at a Tennessee emergency room unconscious.  At first, emergency personnel believed, due to his butt injuries, that the young man had been sexually assaulted. However, further investigation turned up allegations of "butt-chugging" instead.

Unfortunately for the brother, his name has been widely released by the media.  And even more unfortunately, his nickname is "Xander," which may explain why he chose a nice blush wine.  Xander has publicly denied butt chugging (who wouldn't?), but police records tell a different story.  When police arrived to the Pike house on the night of the incident, they found passed out frat boys -- at least one of whom was totally naked -- and blood stains on clothes, tissues, and in the bathroom.  According to the report, one of the other Pike brothers (who also was unfortunately also publicly named and likely thought to be a total tool), told police that the brothers had been butt-chugging.  Of course, it's possible his statement was misinterpreted owing to his drunkeness/tooldom, and perhaps what he meant to say is that they were just "enjoying a manly box of rosé."

The good old days.
Since Xander lived (well, physically lived, the nationwide discussion of his butthole might mean his social life is D.O.A.), the big concern we are left to ponder is: Wait, is this a thing now? Reason magazine editor Jason Sullum says it could be "at least as big a trend as vodka-soaked tampons."  And Business Insider featured a story on butt-chugging titled "The Hot New Way Frat Kids are Getting Drunk," prompting the question, "who writes Business Insider's headlines?"

But seriously, when did drinking alcohol through your mouth become too passé for college kids?  I understand not wanting to taste Franzia now as a grown-up (nothing against boxed wine -- Target-brand Pinot Noir is just far superior), but you people still drink foamy, warm Natty Light and grain alcohol and Jager, for chrissake!  Now all of a sudden your mouth is too good for something? 

Since this story broke, Pike has since been suspended from Tennessee's campus until at least 2015, poor Xander has burned all of his hopes of getting into professional school or a girl's pants, and not-that-far-out-of-college people like me are feeling really, really old.  It's a different world out there (down there?) now.  I'm going to give Daniel Tosh the last word on this one, who commented, "In my day you drank first, and then came the butt stuff."

ADDENDUM, courtesy of Happy Place and my friend Ashley:

SECOND ADDENDUM because this story is SOOOO GOOD and will not die, courtesy of my little brother Scott: 

If you're at work and can't watch the above video but are desperate to know what kind of written statement Xander has released about this issue, here's a PDF.  Question, why isn't anyone telling Xander to keep his mouth shut? This thing would blow over as a footnote of frat legend if he'd just stop talking about it.  Instead, the public appearances revealing that he's a mousy, bespectacled little man, and the rambling apologies invoking how uber-Christian and "not gay" he is, all raise a big "Methinks the lady doth protest too much."  To which, and I'm quoting Happy Place above, Xander would probably respond "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'LADY'? I ALREADY TOLD YOU I'M NOT GAY!"

Downloading this thumbnail. this pic was seriously named ButtThumb.jpg
But seriously, this guy needs to just step out of the limelight and stop being so offended.  A) Being offended is a ladything, B) everyone knows butt-chugging isn't gay if you say "no homo" before and after your fraternity brother gives you an enema.  But why not let it go and move on?  I'm beginning to think this guy has Charlie Sheen's handlers.