Friday, January 27, 2012

Flicky Friday (ft. The Money Pit)

I had a day that felt like this yesterday and I kept thinking about Tom Hank's amazing laugh scene in The Money Pit.  Here's the scene, with a little lead-in for context.



See also:  "I love The Money Pit." -- Peter Griffin (Awww, my first post!)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

WTF Wednesday: Mark Wahlberg

Once in a blue moon, some event occurs mere hours after I wrote a See You Next Tuesday that cannot wait another week to be addressed.  It happened once before when I got a Groupon offer for a half-price colon-cleanse on a Tuesday night, right after I'd already lambasted a Living Social deal for suburban rap camp. On these rare occasions, I bring you a column called WTF Wednesday, because See You Next Tuesday just won't do. And because I haven't thought of a funny name for a Thursday.

What seemed like moments after I posted yesterday's See You Next Tuesday re: Joe Amendola, I caught wind of a wonderful moment of total impudence by Mark Wahlberg that you've probably already heard about and I just couldn't ignore.  Just when I thought the man had finally, truly grown out of his "Marky-Mark" monicker and ascended -- via Entourage and The Fighter -- to Hollywood's coveted "A" list, he makes an improprietous blunder that may haunt him for the rest of his career.  If you haven't heard already (read: if you're not on Twitter), here's what he said:

In an interview with Men's Journal magazine (who is loving all this press, btw), Mr. Wahlberg discussed the 9/11 attacks. He remarked:
“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”
Poor grammar aside, this flippant remark, reeking of hubris and misunderstanding and disrespect, obviously sparked some serious outrage. It's received a lot of media coverage and demands for an apology -- which Wahlberg made almost immediately after the interview was published.  Most interesting to me, though, was The Huffington Post's article on the braggadocious blunder, which followed Wahlberg's insolent quote with,
 "To his credit, Wahlberg is in impeccable shape. Part of what makes him stand out as an action star is his willingness to put himself on the line for a scene. . . ."  
And then proceeded to discuss how Wahlberg cried during The Help and doesn't like to masturbate. (Seriously.)  I mean, I get that he's in shape, but I feel like The Huff kind of missed the point, right?

Based on that line of thinking, and in light of the fact that Twitter was BLOWING UP with this stuff yesterday (apparently Twitter was where everyone went when they couldn't get on Wikipedia), I'm bringing you some of the best tweets the internet had to offer about Wahlberg:


Guys, I just got the official word: calling him "Marky-Mark" is back on the table. Please resume business as usual. And you can follow me on Twitter @AlisonBoomstick.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

See You Next Tuesday (Joe Amendola)

See You Next Tuesday is the Boomstick's regular column. On Tuesdays, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure.  If you don't get the name, visit your nearest middle school playground and ask the first kid you see.  You can read previous editions here. 
  
Last week, I set out to write this See You Next Tuesday, but I stumbled upon some truly shocking information and was forced by the internet to write about the worst most insanely perfect See You Next Tuesday of all time.  (All of those links go to the same post guys, full disclosure.)  Because I got distracted last week, this week, as promised, I bring you:

Jerry Sandusky Part II: The Internet Guide to Making Fun of Joe Amendola

Jerry Sandusky, as we all know, is the former Penn State assistant football coach who has been charged with 40 counts of deviate sexual intercourse with minors and attendant aggravated assault.  Up against these accusations, everyone remotely sane expected Sandusky to arm himself with the cleanest-cut, most ethically laudable attorney he could find.  Instead, in a gaffe that is second only to the title of his autobiography (that's just the same link as before, FYI. And so is this.), Sandusky has hired a lawyer who may be the second most cowardly, distasteful, corrupt person ever -- after, you know, a child molester.  Here's a little about Sandusky's attorney, Joe Amendola:

In 1996, Joe Amendola represented a 16 year-old girl named Mary Iavasile who worked in his law firm in an emancipation petition. What he didn't mention in his argument to the court at the time was the fact that Amendola was having a sexual relationship with the teenager, and eventually knocked her up.  Mary gave birth to his child at 17 years old; Amendola was 49 at the time.  (ARE YOU BARFING YET?)  SEVEN years later, in 2003, Amendola finally married his baby mama; they had another child before separating and are now "estranged."

So, yes, an accused child molester hired as his lawyer a man who impregnated a teenager when he was middle-aged.  Yes, it's disgusting, and even more, it's really stupid.  And yes, it gets worse.  Here is a photo of Amendola and his wife attending a Second Mile event.  Second Mile, of course, being the charity that Jerry Sandusky ran for little boys.  She was on the foundation's Board.

Then, in a cringe-worthy move for lawyers and lay people alike, Amendola sat next to Bob Costas in November while Jerry Sandusky phoned in the most disturbing, guilt-solidifying press maneuver since O.J. Simpson's If I Did It.  Clearly Amendola had sanctioned this interview, but Amendola doesn't appear to have prepared his client in any way, unless his instructions included: "if you are asked whether you are attracted to little boys, why don't you REPEAT THE QUESTION while you THINK ON IT?"  All told, it took Sandusky a full SIXTEEN SECONDS to complete his creepy answer, which came out:
“Am I sexually attracted to underage boys?. . . Sexually attracted? . . . No. . . .You know, I enjoy young people. I love to be around them, but no, I’m not sexually attracted to young boys.” (And it SOUNDS creepier than it reads; see below:) 

Even Jon Stewart, who is armed with all the wit in the world and an entire staff of talented comedy writers, could only react to this statement with the words, "are you fucking kidding me?"  I mean, are you, Amendola? Is this some kind of sick, terrible joke that nobody gets because we aren't the kind of people who think that grown men having sex with minors is anything but vile and horrible and gross?

But it continues.  Later in the interview Amendola told Bob Costas he trusted the man so much, he would let Jerry Sandusky babysit his kids.  In a tiny, glowing window of true, juicy, delicious irony, good old Mary Amendola, his estranged, thirty-two-years-his-junior-baby-mama, posted as her Facebook status: “OMG did Joe just say that he would allow my kids to be alone with Jerry Sandusky?” (The post was taken down shortly thereafter, and Mary briefly changed her Facebook name to the clever and mature "Mary Christmas" before removing herself from the social networking site altogether.  Amendola probably also grounded her and took away her phone.)  That lovely little tidbit eclipsed anything Amendola said, and showed the world that even Mrs. Amendola doesn't buy the Sandusky side of things.
Not funny yet?
I know this is literally unbelievable, but it gets worse/better.  My personal favorite moment of this entire scandal had to be when Amandola gave another press conference in December, presumably to clear up why he let Sandusky do the Bob Costas interview.  During the conference, Amendola suggested that anyone who believes these witnesses needs "to call 1-800 REALITY."  This number?  Definitely a gay sex hotline.

Amendola's Official Press Photo.
Amendola followed this most fabulous faux pas by inviting a whole bunch of media-types over to his home to watch football.  (Presumably they all want exclusive interviews, or are just operating on raw, irrepressible curiosity, or Amendola promised them the guys from 1-800 REALITY would be there.) Because Amendola, King of the Tactical Morons, would have no less, the evening ended in an NBC producer being arrested for a DUI.

I mean, was Joe Amendola put on this Earth just to be a bizarre comic sideshow to this tragedy?  Was he dropped out of a spaceship with a bag on his head wearing a See You Next Tuesday name badge? Is his whole existence some kind of advanced social experiment in douche-baggery and plain old bad lawyerin'?

Amendola isn't just making mistakes on the embarrassing public front; he's making them legally as well.  (You can read more about Amendola's early trial decisions in the Wall Street Journal and other smart places, and maybe here on the blog as things progress.)  But for starters, he waived Sandusky's right to a pretrial hearing, which means he waived his first opportunity to get a glimpse at the prosecution's case (the prosecution had 11 witnesses ready to testify).  And before you say that's just a tactical decision, consider that Amendola also said outloud that was a tactical decision, which means he just screwed Sandusky out of a possible last-ditch ineffective assistance of counsel claim if the case goes poorly.   But, at the end of the day, when all is said and done, maybe that's what justice is really about after all: Sandusky getting screwed.
 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

See You Next Tuesday (Jerry Sandusky)

See You Next Tuesday is the Boomstick's regular column. On Tuesdays, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure.  If you don't get the name, visit your nearest middle school playground and ask the first kid you see.  You can read previous editions here. 
 
If the child molestation allegations against ex-Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky are true, he's not exactly what you would call a "laughing matter."  He's crueler and more sinister than John Edwards, sadder and less poignant than Larry "Wide Stance" Craig.  Making jokes about someone who abused children seems uncouth, and I -- never one to be uncouth -- decided that I would take the high road and write today's See You Next Tuesday about his horrible lawyer instead.  But then this happened.

While doing my copious See You Next Tuesday research, I stumbled onto something that was absolutely too good, too meaty, too ridculous-to-be-true-but-true-I-swear, and I was forced to share on the blog immediately.  You may be saying to yourself, but wait, Alison, didn't you make a big deal about hating events that fall into the "too easy" category?  Yes, I did; but this particular little gem falls into that category so hard that it pushes out the bottom and ends up on the other side where it's too unbelievably, ironically, terribly coincidental to be anything other than a small gift from a knowing god of all things awful and funny.  And this, readers, is what I'm talking about:


In 2001, Jerry Sandusky published an autobiography called -- wait for it --  

TOUCHED. 


HOLY SHIT JERRY SANDUSKY WROTE AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY CALLED TOUCHED.  PEOPLE, I CANNOT EVEN MAKE THIS STUFF UP.  THE INTERNET JUST FORCED ME TO MAKE FUN OF A CHILD MOLESTER BECAUSE HE WROTE A BOOK CALLED TOUCHED. ABOUT HIS LIFE. AFTER HE HAD ALREADY BEEN REPORTED TO POLICE FOR SHOWERING WITH A BOY!!!!!



Readers, I understand that you must be in shock and disbelief.   I understand all of your misgivings; you're thinking, "that's not true," "that's a joke," "how gullible are you?"  I, too, went through those complex stages of doubt and skepticism.  But I researched it, and it's true.  Here's the cover: 


(Please, no "click to look inside" jokes.)  Here's the larger Amazon page: 


Here's the Amazon review rated "Most Helpful:" 


Here's a story from The New York Times talking about the fact that Amazon has pulled new copies of the book, but high-priced used copies are being sold on the site.

And, to put a fine point on all this deep, deep, throbbing, pulsing irony:  here is a story from Fox News saying that this autobiography reportedly helped police find four additional victims. 
 
So, there you have it.  An autographed copy of accused child molester Jerry Sandusky's autobiography Touched is selling for two grand on Amazon.com, and that's the America we all now live in.  Next week: we look at the idiot he hired to be his lawyer.  Goodnight, everyone, I will see you next Tuesday.