Friday, November 18, 2011

Twilight Fan or Wall Street Occupier?

Exactly one year ago to the day, I made up a game called "Indie Band Frontman or Serial Killer" on the blog.  We all played and laughed and agreed that Ben Bridwell from "Band of Horses" looks like he has body parts in his fridge and makes his lamp shades out of human skin. 

In the spirit of Friday distractions, social judgment, and snarky quizzes, today I decided to bring you a new game in a similar vein.  Please enjoy today's feature in honor of the Breaking Dawn premiere:


Twilight Fan or Wall Street Occupier?!?!: 
(Scroll down for answers)

1)
2) 


3)
4) 
5) 
6)  
 
7)  
 
8)
9) 
10)

11)

1. These girls are surprisingly NOT going gaga over the prospect of a Pattinson sighting, but seem to be pretty upset that their Obama fliers are on the ground.  Geeze, girls, it's not like you're impregnated by a vampire or something serious.

2. This guy is tortured to his soul about our growing debt to China...oh wait, no, it's about vampires. Total Twihard.

3. "I will believe that vampires are people when I have a vampire baby?"  Nope!  This Occupier's sign reads "I will believe that corporations are companies when Texas Georgia executes one!"  Guess she has a different definition of "blood lust!"

4. Sleeping in tents for days, dirty and cold but passionate about what you believe in? Yup, that perfectly describes the Twihards camping out for the "Breaking Dawn" premiere!

5. "It's okay, Robert Pattinson can love you, too," soothes one Twihard to another?  NOPE! These ladies are occupiers, and one of them probably just watched her unemployed boyfriend get arrested!

6.Does her sign say "Bite me Edward" or "Bail Out Students?"  Oh, it's the latter. This is a tweeny, pink-haired Occupier!

7. Tent city of...Twihards! These girls are serious about voicing their opposition to werewolves and well-written literature!  Unlike their protagonist, this protest never dies!

8. Okay this was kind of a freebie. Obviously this girl is distraught over her love for Edward, not the current economic crisis, pending election, national debt debacle, or class warfare stalemate!

9. "I like freedom more than money?" "I like Greenspan more than Bernanke?" "I like Fannie more than Freddie, just 'cause?" Nah, her shirt really reads "I like Jacob more than Edward." (Okay, it actually may read, "I liked Edward more than Jacob," I blurred it out and now I can't remember and also don't care at all.)

10. Tuckered out from a hard day of vampire-loving.

11. I just wanted all of you to see this. This is an old Obama-loving hippie at Occupy Wall Street who is probably very cold.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Flicky Friday (ft. Rick Perry)

Rick Perry was poised to be a cable news laughingstock after his embarrassing gaffe in Wednesday night's Republican debate.  Critics and pundits have attacked Perry's debate skills since the beginning, perhaps because they recognize the Republican nominee will need strong oratorical skills to beat smooth-spoken Obama in the general election; perhaps because they're busybody vultures circling the Republican ticket looking to feast on a good kill.  Either way, Perry's inability to name the third of three government departments he would eliminate as President looked, on Thursday morning, to be an irrecoverable blunder sure to haunt him for months.

However, Perry's YouTube-famous mix-up turned into something else entirely: an opportunity for Perry to make fun of himself, show a lighter side, and do so much damage control that he actually may come out the better for his blooper.  Not only did Perry hit the Thursday morning shows, the lunch shows, and the evening shows, but he even appealed to the late-night audience with a stint on Letterman that frankly, was really funny.  I don't know what this whole situation will mean for Perry's campaign in the long run, but his conduct was an amazing lesson in embracing your mistakes, addressing your critics head-on, and turning bad publicity into good with a whole lot of self-deprecation and good humor.   Perry's Letterman performance may have been the most I've ever liked him.  So, for today's Flicky Friday, I bring you:

 The Top 10 Rick Perry Excuses for not remembering which three federal agencies he would eliminate: 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

See You Next Tuesday (SUPER See You Next Tuesday)

See You Next Tuesday is the Boomstick's regular column. On Tuesdays, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure. If you don't get the name, visit your nearest middle school playground and ask the first kid you see. You can read previous editions here.

It's been a while since I wrote a new See You Next Tuesday,  so to make it up to all of you, I bring you:

SUPER See You Next Tuesday

Today's edition will be a compilation of ridiculous and terrible links that I've gathered over the last few weeks.  Many thanks to the friends from whose Facebooks, Twitters, and Gchats these are stolen, and even more thanks to people of the world for continuing to be mind-bogglingly endless idiots. Without further ado, here we go:

  • Next, there's this woman named Traci Nobles who sexted with married ex-Congressman Anthony Weiner and is now cashing in with a book deal.  Kind of predictable, right?  But wait, it gets so much worse: the title of her book is called I Freinded You and the misspelling is intentional.  I'm going to let that sink in for a second.  
Now, what's the most disgusting part of this story? That Anthony Weiner was and is married, that his wife was pregnant during the sexting episode, that Nobles "doesn't regret it," that her last name is mocking us all, that her career is listed as "former cheerleading coach?"  No, it's that due to "overwhelming requests for pre-orders" at least "4 major publishers are interested in taking the book to wider release."  Suck on that, English Lit majors: a book called I Freinded You by an ex-cheerleading coach famous exclusively for sexting a Congressman named "Weiner" has four publishers to accommodate her back orders.  No, no, I totally think you should still finish your book of poems.
    Shouldn't the green-skinned be the ones upset about this?
  • Here's a great one: schools in the U.K.decided this year to ban students from drawing witches with black hats because it's racist. Since witches are bad, "diversity and equality experts" believe their black, pointy hats entrench racial bias into classrooms at an early age.  Never mind the fact that the U.K. incarnation of the pointy-hatted witch is a Western European (white) invention,  never mind the fact that, much like the Salem witch trials, Europeans prosecuted only whites as witches in the 17th century, never mind that witches have been almost exclusively portrayed by the media as white women...somehow, their black pointy hats are racist
But, as See You Next Tuesday selections tend to do, this story only gets more ridiculous.  The schools aren't stopping at witches hats. These same "experts" are challenging the use of white paper in schools.  New guidelines say that schools should provide children with colored paper instead so that they can "unlearn" racial prejudices that are apparently the inevitable result of drawing on white paper.  No word yet on the propriety of using the term "colored" to describe the paper.
 
Um, hello, the White Witch is totally racist against Eskimos.
Now, some of you might say this is political correctness run amok, but I, for one, support these gestures toward a more blended and less racially-conscious society.  In a show of solidarity with these diversity experts, I've decided to bring you the last, best, funniest, most wonderful and entertaining See You Next Tuesday selection entirely on black paper.  Get ready to laugh: