Monday, May 30, 2011

Time Travel

Today I learned that time travel is possible because apparently Mandy Moore went back in time to play Cherry Valance in The Outsiders:



Watch the trailer for The Outsiders, 1983.  Sorry it's the worst trailer ever.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Flicky Friday (ft. SNL, Kristin Wiig, Ann-Margret)

Remember when I said that Kristin Wiig's faux-sexy ski bunny was channeling Ann Margaret? Sure you do, it was right here. Well, SNL writers agreed with me (I'm sure it's not because they found my blog or I'd be super famous right now), and made this hilarious sketch:


If you aren't an old person or an old person trapped in a 20-something's body like I am, this is what they're parodying, Ann Margaret in the Elvis Presley flick, Viva Las Vegas:


Yeah, now you get it.  And a shout-out for all you Mad Men fans (especially the three of you who knew who Ann Margaret was before "Patio"):


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

See You Next Tuesday (The World Not Ending)

See You Next Tuesday is the Boomstick's regular column. On Tuesdays, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure. If you don't get the name, visit your nearest middle school playground and ask the first kid you see.  You can read previous editions here.  This week's See You Next Tuesday is:

The World Not Ending

We all know the real reason the Rapture didn't happen.
As I'm sure you all know, a Christian radio show host named Harold Camping had predicted that the Rapture would occur at the first stroke of 6:00 pm (unclear if God knows about daylight saving time) on May 21, 2011. After the faithful were raptured to Heaven, he predicted, months of earthquakes and plagues would ravish the rest of us until October, when the actual Apocalypse occurred. (I say "us" because I'm pretty sure you've ruined your chances at being a first-round Rapture draft pick just by reading this blog.) But six o'clock struck in every time zone with no signs of souls ascending to Heaven, and Camping and his congregation were forced to admit they were wrong.

As I read stories about all of Camping's followers who quit their jobs and spent all their savings proselytizing only to be Left Behind™, I can't help but feel like they just went about this whole thing wrong. They ignored the important fundamentals of announcing and preparing for a worldwide catastrophe. If only they'd taken the time to thoroughly study some great 1990s disaster movies, all of this could've been different! So, for this week's See You Next Tuesday, let's take a look at what they missed.

THINGS CAMPING AND HIS FRIENDS GOT WRONG:

1. Science:  It doesn't have to be good science, or even plausible science, so long as the reasons behind your disaster are spouted by someone named "Dr."In fact, frankly, the worse the science is, the better the disaster probably is. This is because your scientist is someone whose niche field is only actually interesting in the instance of this particular global cataclysm. But some fancy gadgets, bleeping machines, unsophisticated radars, and giant buttons are absolutely necessary. This was Camping's first mistake: you can keep the superstitious ancient Bible stuff, but you've got to shroud it in a shoddy science overlay (See, e.g., 2012.)

2. POTUS:  If the President of the United States isn't involved, it's not a real disaster. Every disaster movie worth its Jeff Goldblum subplot has a sweaty, frustrating scene where the late-to-the-game President realizes that this isn't just a Soviet plane/radar blip/cold front, and needs advice. He turns to his overrepresented-minority-and-female cabinet, who bring in the frazzled scientist who has been trying to warn everybody about the asteroid/aliens/Gary Oldman all along! Then we get to the motivational speech, and bam, we're off to the big finish!


3. Sex: More specifically, a sexually-charged, regret-filled relationship with your ex-spouse. Your ex-spouse is probably also a scientist.  In rarer situations, you're allowed to survive the disaster with someone you've never been married to, but they must be engaged to someone richer than you who is a total asshat.

4. The Loose Cannon: In some movies, the scientist is the loose cannon; in others, it's just Will Smith. Either way, there needs to be some lovable, rule-breaking, anti-establishment gunslinger who's a burden to his supervisors and a hero to the rest of us. Either way, Harold Camping's cannon is waaaaay too tight to properly take on this role, and resulted in a crucial world-ending oversight.

THINGS CAMPING AND HIS FRIENDS GOT RIGHT:

1. Unwarranted hubris: They said the Titanic wouldn't sink. They said the tower wouldn't inferno. They said that the dinosaurs would stay in the park. In all cases, human overconfidence and oversight caused great disaster. This is one area that Camping and his congregation totally nailed: baseless predictions veiled in audacious certainty. It's really too bad they couldn't have just thrown in some lady scientists and a loose-cannon side-kick; people would've taken their impudence way more seriously!
Hackman > Camping.

2. Spiritual leader as hero: Not since The Posidon Adventure has there been a Christian minister as the lead hero in a disaster movie. Granted, Gene Hackman's Reverend Scott was a lot different than Camping: intelligent, modest, brave, heroic, and self-sacrificing. But, if Camping was trying to pay homage to the original great disaster flick, then I'll let him have it. I just wish he'd followed through with the tribute and, like Reverend Scott, drowned himself on an upside-down boat.
So that's why the world didn't end. Well, that and Macho Man Randy Savage saving all of us with a perfectly-placed elbow-drop. And since the world isn't over, I'll See You Next Tuesday.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

ATL'S CDC Takes On Z-O-M-B-I-E-S

Though the real Apocalypse may be a bust, the zombie apocalypse still lurks in our future. In an amazing show of tongue-in-cheek preparedness, Atlanta's Center for Disease Control ("CDC") published a wildly popular blog entry providing advice for the public in the event of a zombie apocalypse.  Check the awesome article out here.

This is not the CDC's first connection with zombies; you guys might remember the facility's prominent role in the first season finale of AMC's The Walking Dead.  The CDC is a real place -- it's located on Emory University's campus, and I lived next door to it for years.

Aww, look. it's me graduating from Emory.
But the location they filmed for the show was NOT the actual CDC,  because it must be impossible to get a permit to film at the CDC.  Instead, the show creators picked a funky, futuristic-looking building outside Atlanta city limits to shoot Dead, namely the Cobb Energy Performing Arts Center.  The real CDC looks like a factory in Gotham City. Now, where have you heard about Cobb County before?

Walking Dead's CDC at the Cobb Performing Arts Centre with an "re" because they're pretentious.
The Real CDC on Emory's Campus.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Flicky Friday (ft. Top Gun)

Last Friday I shared Brokeback to the Future.  Then I found this gem (courtesy of my friend Amer), and I thought, why stop the re-cut homoerotic 80s movies trend so soon?  So here's your second installment, brought to you by the month of Gay:

Friday, May 13, 2011

Flicky Friday (ft. Back to the Future)

In case you missed it last week, I'm introducing a new (hopefully) entertaining, (certainly) mindless segment to the blog called "Flicky Friday."  Each Friday, I'll show you a movie trailer, usually a parody, but perhaps a worthy real one, for your lunchtime/downtime/pre-game time Friday enjoyment.

This week's feature will help you re-imagine a classic, and kick off a weekend of gay jokes: Brokeback to the Future. 



Tuesday, May 10, 2011

See You Next Tuesday (Rap Camp)

See You Next Tuesday is the Boomstick's regular column. On Tuesdays, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure. If you don't get the name, visit your nearest middle school playground and ask the first kid you see. You can read previous editions here.

Living Social, a popular online coupon site, featured the following deal today:

You can click to make it bigger and read all the entertaining words and letters!

That's right, a kids hip-hop themed summer camp at a theater in Smyrna.  For those of you who don't live in Georgia, Smyrna is located in Cobb County, whose residents are teasingly (and largely accurately?) called "Cobb Snobs."  According to Wikipedia, the population of Smyrna is 59.4% White, 27.2% African American, and, unfortunately for the little Latino kid in the advertisement, only 13.8% Hispanic.  Smyrna is also the hometown and former constituency of conservative Congressman Bob Barr, who is most famous outside of Georgia for being the first Representative to call for President Clinton's impeachment. So yeah, it's not the place you think of for hip-hop camp.

Obviously, when I saw the Living Social deal I visited the website of Smyrna's "Artportunity Knocks" theater.  They had the following explanation of the camp:
HIP-HOP EXTREME is the only Hip Hop summer camp in [North Metro] Atlanta with a focus on keeping Hip Hop positive! [Your White, suburban] Kids will learn the Art of Hip Hop Dance Styles, Hip Hop Music, Hip Hop History and be surprised by a national recording [as distinct from "famous"] Hip Hop artist! Hundreds of kids and teens will experience a life transforming moment when they get to write, produce, record and perform their own song AND get a demo CD of their work!
Unfortunately, the site doesn't post a detailed schedule for what the kids learn over their week at Hip-Hop Extreme.  So I had to imagine one for all of us, and in my mind, it looks like this:
  • Notorious M.O.N.day: 
    • Morning: viewing of the critically-acclaimed and completely accurate film Notorious followed by quiz on the same;
    •  Afternoon: East Coast vs. West Coast: Part 1.
  • Tu Pac Tuesday: 
    • Morning: East Coast vs. West Coast: Part 2; 
    • Afternoon: Why premature death by gang-war gunfire will only help your career.
  • Wigger Wednesday: 
  • Are you Eminem? Didn't think so.
    • Morning: Why Eminem can pull it off and you can’t; 
    • Afternoon: Readying your single for radio-play: using alternatives to the n-bomb to avoid the “ain’t messin' wit no broke, broke” radio remix.
  • Imma Let You Finish, Thursday, but Friday Is the Best Weekday of All Time. All Time!
    • Morning: Awards show etiquette;
    • Lunch Break: Go Fish (played with race cards); 
    • Afternoon: Egomaniacal twitter feed as self-parody.
  • Fergalicious Friday: 
    • Morning: How adding an ethnically-ambiguous girl pop singer can catapult your unheard-of hip hop group to sudden fame;
    • Afternoon: Why Will.i.am is a better name than apl.de.ap, (hint: which one sounds like the $15 happy hour sampler platter at a chain restaurant); 
    • Evening extra credit: ruining the Superbowl with nothing but 14 minutes and illuminated shirts.
  • Snoop Doggy-Dog Saturday: 
    • Morning: how to be the public figurehead for an illegal drug while getting arrested slightly less than you’d expect;
    • Afternoon: try at home;
    • Evening extra credit: Who's your bail bondsman?
  • Rockin' the Suburbs Sunday: 
    • Morning:  Final rap battle performances. (Popular featured topics: "Parents Just Don't Understand," "All My Friends Are in Pre-Cal But I'm Still in Algebra," "Got a '3' on My AP U.S. History Test Which is Still Passing but Not Good Enough For a Merit Scholarship," "My Neighborhood's Pool Doesn't Open Until Memorial Day But It's Hot Outside Now;")
    • Afternoon: hide in dumpster from the Black kids who heard about your rap battle performance. 
Man, don't you want to go to Hip-Hop Extreme Camp in Smyrna, Georgia?  Luckily there are still a few hours left to snag this deal. Thanks Living Social! And I'll See You Next Tuesday. 

Friday, May 6, 2011

Flicky Friday (ft. SNL)

This week, I'm introducing a new regular (hopefully weekly) feature, Flicky Friday.  It's entirely an excuse to share all of the fake movie trailers I have bookmarked in my email.  Perhaps it will eventually feature real movie trailers too, but I don't want to get ahead of myself.  I want to keep expectations nice and low -- that's why I named the segment after a Lindsay Lohan movie.



First up, SNL's generic British action flick trailer, Don't You Go Rounin' Roun to Re Ro: