Tuesday, July 26, 2011

See You Next Tuesday (Courtney Stodden)

See You Next Tuesday is the Boomstick's regular column. On Tuesdays, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure. If you don't get the name, visit your nearest middle school playground and ask the first kid you see. You can read previous editions here.

Doug Hutchinson, that creepy actor who played the sadistic guard in The Green Mile and one of the Dharma Initiative guys on "Lost," just made the biggest headlines of his career by marrying a 16-year-old.  He's 51. The marriage was legal because the couple was not "physically involved" before the marriage, and the under-aged bride's parents signed a consent form.  At first this just sounded like a sleazy old dude and a rural young 'un tying a premature and somewhat repulsive knot.  But as videos of the new couple begin to circulate on the internet, this union has started to look like something else altogether: a surreal scene that makes you wonder, as one blogger did, "what's the long con here?"

First, there's the fact that 16-year-old Courtney Stodden hardly looks 16 years old: she looks like one of those 35-year-old porn stars branded "barely legal" by virtue of a school-girl outfit.  To say she dresses "provocatively" is like saying the Kardashians have a few "black friends:" a complete understatement.  Her parents point out that she is "deeply Christian" and was a virgin at the time of her marriage.  In that case, I find it strange that she chose to wear so very little white at her wedding.


Then there's this insane video interview the couple gave where they totally over-shared about their sex life (he's a "tiger" in bed, apparently).  But worse than the TMI was the fact that Courtney Stodden appears to be less of a person and more of an SNL caricature.  Blogger Brill Bundy put it perfectly:
Here's the thing: we know what we're supposed to be creeped out about a 51-year-old marrying a 16-year-old. And we are. But not necessarily for the right reasons.
On the surface we should be up-in-arms because he's a pervert and she's somewhere between child and adulthood. But have you looked at her? It's hard to work up a believable level of "She's only 16! She's a baby!" outrage about a gal who looks like they skipped right over playing with Barbies to turning herself into one.
Which right there sounds uncomfortably to our own ears like we're blaming the victim ("If you dress like that what did you think would happen?"). But it's not just the clothes and frosted lipgloss. It's the constant dazed expression, hooded eyes, head-bobbing, hair-flicking, lip-pursing, tongue-flicking, chest-thrusting, hip-jutting, body-rubbing. That's not normal behavior for anyone, no matter the age.
And that's the truth.  Watch this video below and be amazed at her preening and pouting, her too-corny-to-be-scripted ruminations on romance ("we're flying on the wings of love together"), and the Neanderthal "mmmhmmms" that she groans in glassy-eyed agreement with her mediocre-looking husband. 
  

So, like, what's the long con? What's her deal?  I can understand a good old-fashioned gold-digger, but this B-list actor is hardly Hugh Hefner.  It's as if Anna Nicole Smith announced she was marrying a wrinkly, pruny, 89-year-old man, but instead of being a billionaire oil tycoon, he was just a retired CPA with a three bedroom split-level in Albuquerque and a reasonable social security pay out.  What's the catch?  If neither great looks nor great fortune is involved, WTF is she after?  And, frankly, he's a good actor who seems marginally intelligent and worldly -- what's he in it for long term?  She's hot, but she's that kind of hot that already looks tired at 16; at 25 she's going to just look like a collagen bag left in the sun and run over a few times.  I suppose it's just her sparkling personality and maternal instincts (notice how she throws the dog at him at 1:43).  Doug must be thinking, "isn't she's charming?".

To which Courtney replies, "Mmmmhmmmm."

Via Best Week Ever TV (you may have to click for animation).

4 comments:

  1. i hope they are happy, though from the photos provided she looks at least 18 with some major body over hall... maybe she is a robot sent from the future making her like 216 years old... anyone check under her hood... i am sure he did after the release was signed... hello!

    he was more creepy in the x-files as "Eugene Victor Tooms"... link: http://x-files.wikia.com/wiki/Eugene_Victor_Tooms

    have a glorious day!

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  2. He's wearing a dragon shirt.

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  3. This post makes me glad you have a "People I Want To Punch In The Face" category on your blog.

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  4. Here's my theory:

    She's obviously 37 and on drugs. Her parents know this and need to get her some treatment but they can't afford it. What's the most logical way to get her treatment you ask? Hatch an elaborate plot to kill off the 37 year old daughter, and create a new identity so the world thinks she is 16. Then make contact with a 51 year old D-list celebrity under the guise of obtaining "career advice" because she is an "aspiring actress", only to transition the relationship from professional to personal and eventually marriage. Because she is "16", she has to get parental consent, which helps alert the media causing a media shitstorm that gives her an interview on some morning show that only stay-at-home moms watch while resenting their kids for ruining their lives.

    Once the marriage falls apart, her notoriety (NOTORIOUS!!) makes her famous enough to attend celebrity rehab. Don't think she's famous enough to hang out with Dr. Drew for an hour on VH1 every Sunday?? If Hobie "I'm-addicted-to-horse-steroids-so-I-now-look-like-Jose-Canseco" Buchanan (yes, that is the kid from Baywatch) can qualify as a celebrity for celebrity rehab, then so can this crazy lady. She gets clean, and goes back to her boring life with nobody the wiser.

    I can't believe nobody else picked up on this con game. It's so obvious.

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