See You Next Tuesday (Too Easy)

See You Next Tuesday is the Boomstick's regular column. On Tuesdays, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure.   If you don't get the name, visit your nearest middle school playground and ask the first kid you see.  You can read previous editions here.

Today's See You Next Tuesday is:

  Everyone Remotely Famous For Making It Too Easy To Make Fun of You.

Look, I view social mockery as an art form.  I pride myself on my ability to comb the news for obscure and ridiculous idiots, to cleverly indict them for their stupidity, hypocrisy, and self-contradiction, and then to make a bunch of cheap jokes at their expense because I have a blog and they don’t.  But lately, I've had no need to plumb the depths of society for a truly despicable subject matter, no need to go digging through dirt for the perfect degenerate so that I might hold him up before my readers and jab and poke at him like a despicable piñata.

Lately the bastards have just been throwing themselves at me. Call me old fashioned, but such blatant douchiness destroys my urge to throw them on the See You Next Tuesday pyre.  Instead, I shrink back with shame at the thought of joining the lamestream media (© Sarah Palin, 2011) in their bland, effortless criticisms.  And it's really saying something that I'm feeling this way between seasons of "Jersey Shore."

So, just who is to blame for my reluctance to even blog about these exploits? Whose scandals, trysts and total embarrassing idiocy is heart-breakingly too easy to make fun of? Try Arnold Schwartzenegger's love child, that woman who gave her 8-year-old Botox, Newt Gingrich’s entire campaign staff abandoning him, the people who believed The Onion news story about Prince William and Kate’s divorce, Ramona Singer, that woman who lied about giving her 8-year-old Botox, every Kardashian, Coco Austin’s butt implants, Pakistan bumbling every national security bone we throw them, Tracy Morgan's homophobic ranting, and, sweet Jesus Christ on a cracker, the crown glory, the definition of "too easy," the if-this-were-an-SNL-sketch-it'd-be-hokey-unoriginal-filler story: Congressman Anthony Weiner’s accidental twit-pic-ing of his wiener to ugly women while his successful, attractive wife was busy negotiating international diplomacy over the top of her giant pregnant belly and then lying about it and calling reporters "jackasses" and saying his computer was hacked and DID I MENTION HIS EFFING LAST NAME IS WEINER?!?!?!?! LIKE AS IN A PENIS??!!?!

I just can’t take this, guys. I just can’t take a story that’s already written for me.  There’s no effort required to make Anthony Weiner look stupid and hilarious and totally disgusting and contemptable.  Adding "See You Next Tuesday" in front of his headlines wouldn't make the scandal any more juvenile or unsophisticated than it already is.  So, out of utter disappointment and redundancy, (and also out of traveling, my "other" job as a lawyer, and a "Real Housewives of New York" marathon, but mostly out of disappointment), I have refrained these last few weeks from even writing a See You Next Tuesday. 

Today, I pose a challenge to you all out there who are famous or reality-famous or semi-famous or Twitter-famous or politics-famous: behave a little better.  Don't make yourself such easy targets. Show the tiniest shred of grace, decorum, pants-wearing; avoid abusing social networking sites, stop cheating on your hot, ambitious wives and lying about it like little turdfaces, and for chrissake, stop taking handheld cellphone mirror photos altogether, all the time, no exceptions, ever.  I know that all seems hard, and I know you're thinking "but what else is there to do?" So, I put together a list of suggestions for other activities.

Alison's Boomstick's Special Segment: Things To Do That Aren't Tweeting Your Wiener or Injecting Chemicals Into Your Child's Face Or Lying About Doing Those Things:

• Rent the first season of "Mad Men;"
• Plan your Halloween costume. Really get into it this year. For added challenge: plan a non-slutty Halloween costume. Or even a Mad Men-themed costume!;
• Read a book. Kindles count, as long as you don't try to use them to photograph your penis.
• Write an essay on whether Robert Downy Jr. should be properly considered to be part of the Brat Pack;
• Make fun of someone who drives a Honda Element;
• Sports;
• Have sex with your actual wife;
• Go to a street fair; 
• Buy some Ed Hardy tee shirts; burn them; 
• Fix the economy;
• Call CBS and personally thank them for cancelling "Two and a Half Men;" 
• Try to write an episode of a television show worse than "Two and a Half Men" (this one is worth extra points for being incredibly challenging);
• Pick one obscure blogger and devote your life to making her famous. (Email me for suggestions!)

 This list is just a starter! I bet there are literally dozens of other things to do that don't involve your cell phone and your penis and scaring your children for life!  Feel free to suggest more alternatives to being a douche in the comments, and I'll See You Next Tuesday!