Tuesday, April 26, 2011

See You Next Tuesday (Dinosaurs Pt. II)

See You Next Tuesday is the Boomstick's regular column. On Tuesdays, I bring you the week's most laughable scumbags, idiots, and jerks for your reading and reviling pleasure.   If you don't get the name, visit your nearest middle school playground and ask the first kid you see.  You can read previous editions here.  

 It's been a while since I've written about dinosaurs on the blog, which is unfortunate because when I set out to write my Boomstick, I wanted to feature (in order of preference):
  1. Dinosaurs
  2. Zombies
  3. Drunk Presidents
  4. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia
  5. Things Gay People Like
(Those last two were going to make for some delicious contrasts!)  Alas, I've strayed, and now I mostly write about politics and serial killers.  So, when I heard some dinosaur-related stories over the last few days, I decided I'd devote this week's See You Next Tuesday to my old favorite: dinosaurs, the Best and Worst.


THE WORST: 

One of my very favorite blogs, The Animal Review, has been on a dinosaur tirade lately.  (A quick plug for this blog: not only is it deeply hilarious, but the authors were just plucked from internet obscurity to write a book based on the same concept as their blog.  According to Amazon.com, there are ONLY TWO LEFT FOR PURCHASE so it must be doing well, or else their publisher only printed five copies.  Either way, these guys are living my ultimate dream of writing a plainly-designed, niche-funny blog and then getting a book deal where you basically print out the blog you've already written onto real paper and then get to go travel on your book advance.  Oh, and they were also featured on NPR.  So, basically they're living all of my life dreams.)

Anyway, it looks like The Animal Review's authors have recently become as disillusioned about  dinosaurs as I was earlier this year.  (Ed. note: despite the fact that I wrote about this same subject with some witty The Land Before Time jokes back in October, I do not have a book deal.)  In an earlier See You Next Tuesday, I exposed and lamented the total horse-crap LIES that paleontologists have been feeding us for years.  Apparently, palentologists baselessly stuck bones together into shapes they thought would look cool and then gave the bones awesome names and then made children's movies about how awesome it used to be when they all played together and then decided just to omit the part where there was no reason to believe any of it.   In the end, the dinosaurs we grew up imagining never literally existed and the paleontologists literally didn't know what the hell they were talking about.
Next they'll tell us "Dinosaurs!" wasn't a documentary.

This month, Animal Review debunked the Pterodactyl.  Though some pretty badass flying lizards did roam the prehistoric skies, they are not properly called "Pterodactyls," and they do not fit the technical definition of "dinosaurs."  Add that to what I told you about the Triceratops last year, and the fact that the Brontosaurus actually never was, and it's almost enough to make Jurassic Park seem totally fictional.  I don't know about you, but I, for one, am heartbroken to lose my childhood, and outraged that Michael Crichton's credibility as a non-fiction author is in severe jeopardy.


THE BEST: 

The antidote to this sad story is the town of Dinosaur, Colorado.  With a population of 320 people, this town is located next to the totally ballin' Dinosaur National Monument.  The coolest part: it has street names like Brontosaurus Boulevard, Stegosaurus Freeway, and Triceratops Terrace, Cletisaurus Circle and Tyrannosaurus Trail.  I'm seriously considering getting a P.O. Box there just so you can mail me at:

Alison's Boomstick
123 Tyrannosaurus Trail
Dinosaur, CO
United States of Badass

Help me find a Dinosaur, CO second home, and I will See You Next Tuesday. 

3 comments:

  1. Is it weird that I had already looked up Dinosaur, CO when I was planning my SB'11 trip and tried to figure out if T could make it a day trip?

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  2. Weird? No. Awesome? Yes. Soulmates? Yes.

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  3. Matt here, with your Jurassic Park canon fact check:

    "Add that to what I told you about the Triceratops last year, and the fact that the Brontosaurus actually never was, and it's almost enough to make Jurassic Park seem totally fictional."

    Um, there are no Brontosaurs in Jurassic Park; they are clearly Brachiosaurs, as you can see by the raised crest on their heads. Hang on, I have to push up my glasses and adjust my suspenders...

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