|Bin and me: your heroes.|
Julian Assange has caught the world’s attention. He makes the news every day, and, what’s more, he has made The Boomstick not once, but twice. Now, as much as I respect Alison’s Boomstick, I am afraid I cannot shop S-mart when it comes to calling Julian Assange “Ju Ass.”
No, it’s not because I’m some naïve nut-job who thinks my Uncle Sam is a lying bastard who faked the moon landing (but should still pay for my education, health insurance, retirement, and subscription to match.com). Nor am I taking a legal highroad like Glenn Greenwald and saying that Assange has yet to really break any well-defined U.S. laws. I just appreciate it when life imitates art, and damned if that’s what I don’t see in the man. You see, Julian Assange is the epitome of a real life Bond villain.
Thanks to cable television, everyone on earth, from Siberia to Easter Island, has seen at least one James Bond movie by now (bonus points if you’ve read a book, or read all of the books, or read all of the books and seen all of the movies, or read all of the books and seen all of the movies countless times and just finished scouring the net for teasers about the Sam Mendes-directed Bond 23). It’s not unlikely that scientists at McMurdo station in Antarctica are chilling out in the rec room right now and half-heartedly watching the The World is Not Enough on AMC. The scientists and everyone else on Earth understand, consciously or not, that the secret to Bond’s staying power isn’t his womanizing or drinking or gadgets or his dry wit. The staying power behind Bond are the villains.
Sinister, heartless bastards bent on worldwide domination are really, really friggin’ awesome. Yes, we want Bond to kill them before they commit global genocide via a deadly and rare orchid toxin, but that’s partly because we know Bond villains always die awesome, epic deaths (they don’t trip and die naked in the shower; they go out like Beowulf). Everything else about these guys is over the top, too. From the women they keep to the clothes they wear. Sure, they are insane, but just like your crazy-hot ex-girlfriend who cheated on you with an entire fraternity, you have to admit, they sure are a lot of fun.
|Assange looking villainous.|
002. The hair. Unless they go the Mr. Clean route (Telly Savalas as Blofeld) Bond villains often have distinctive whitish hair. Check out these dos:
|Julian Assange (photo by GiantBomb.com)|
003. The lair. Wikileaks is literally housed in an underground stone bunker, aka, the site for the final scene of every Bond film. No, seriously: (See more pictures of the actual lair here.)
004. Nomadic lifestyle. Bond villains don’t have homes. They are always on the move, always relocating, and they never go home for Christmas. Some of them even live on boats. Yes, they will often have a headquarters that more closely resembles Vatican City than it does your average Brookhaven McMansion (see #6), but Bond villains care about as much for their bases as a college freshman does for his dorm bathroom (as Franz Sanchez said after Bond destroyed his giant cocaine factory, “it’s only money”). For his own part, Assange, who has lived in Australia, Tanzania, and Iceland (to name a few) gave a British judge a post office box as his address. That guy goes through passports like you go through Kleenex in flu season.
005. The followers. Bond villains don’t just have henchmen; they have uniformed armies. And it takes a good stock purchase plan to get thousands of employees to man your undersea base when failure means getting dropped in the shark tank (The Spy Who Loved Me). Being no slouch, Julian Assange has got an army of hackers working round the clock to undermine Bank of America, Amazon, and the U.S. Government. And Assange doesn’t even pay these guys!!
006. Treats women like crap. Julian Assange is sought for sex crimes in Sweden. He allegedly had sex with one girl while she was sleeping?? and held another down and did his thing without a condom. While this may be par for the course at any fraternity house, it’s enough to get you jailed in Sweden. In his defense, Assange said, “I am not promiscuous. I just really like women.” Well, Bond villains like women too . . . until they torture them, or they shoot them, or have them shot, or feed them to sharks, or poison them, or run them over, or drown them in hot liquid gold . . . but usually they just have them shot. Mark my words, those Swedish chicks are not long for this world.
|Don't worry, Bin can fight all kinds of movie villians.|