Friday, December 24, 2010

Julian Assange: Bond Villian (a Guest Blog)

Bin and me: your heroes.
I invited one of my funniest and most creative friends (and a law school classmate), Bin Minter, to write a guest post on the blog.  And Merry Christmas to me, he sent me a great article just in time for Christmas Eve.  The post has nothing to with Christmas, but it does have to do with Bond Villains, underground lairs, sexy ladies, and topical politics.  You know, everything you really want on Christmas. Enjoy:

Julian Assange has caught the world’s attention. He makes the news every day, and, what’s more, he has made The Boomstick not once, but twice.  Now, as much as I respect Alison’s Boomstick, I am afraid I cannot shop S-mart when it comes to calling Julian Assange “Ju Ass.

No, it’s not because I’m some na├»ve nut-job who thinks my Uncle Sam is a lying bastard who faked the moon landing (but should still pay for my education, health insurance, retirement, and subscription to Nor  am I taking a legal highroad like Glenn Greenwald and saying that Assange has yet to really break any well-defined U.S. laws.  I just appreciate it when life imitates art, and damned if that’s what I don’t see in the man.  You see, Julian Assange is the epitome of a real life Bond villain.

Thanks to cable television, everyone on earth, from Siberia to Easter Island, has seen at least one James Bond movie by now (bonus points if you’ve read a book, or read all of the books, or read all of the books and seen all of the movies, or read all of the books and seen all of the movies countless times and just finished scouring the net for teasers about the Sam Mendes-directed Bond 23).  It’s not unlikely that scientists at McMurdo station in Antarctica are chilling out in the rec room right now and half-heartedly watching the The World is Not Enough on AMC.   The scientists and everyone else on Earth understand, consciously or not, that the secret to Bond’s staying power isn’t his womanizing or drinking or gadgets or his dry wit.  The staying power behind Bond are the villains.

Sinister, heartless bastards bent on worldwide domination are really, really friggin’ awesome.  Yes, we want Bond to kill them before they commit global genocide via a deadly and rare orchid toxin, but that’s partly because we know Bond villains always die awesome, epic deaths (they don’t trip and die naked in the shower; they go out like Beowulf).  Everything else about these guys is over the top, too. From the women they keep to the clothes they wear.  Sure, they are insane, but just like your crazy-hot ex-girlfriend who cheated on you with an entire fraternity, you have to admit, they sure are a lot of fun.

Assange looking villainous.
Anyone who resembles a Bond villain as much as Julian Assange deserves too much respect to be named “Ju Ass,” at least in my book.  But in case you are a female reader who has only seen one James Bond movie all the way through (because of your boyfriend), here are 007 ways in which Julian Assange is Bond villain-esque:
001. His name.  Face it, Julian Assange is a cool name, and Bond villains always have cool names. There aren’t any Bond villains named Anthony, or Lawrence, or Jeff. Instead, they have cool foreign names like Karl Stromberg, Auric Goldfinger, Hugo Drax, Max Zorin, Francisco Scaramanga, and Ernst Stavro Blofeld. One Bond villain had two badass names: Mr. Big and Kananga. Other kids would make fun of a name like Kananga when he was in grade school, but Mr. Big had those other kids eliminated. So call him “Ju Ass” if you want, but take out a life insurance policy first.

002. The hair.  Unless they go the Mr. Clean route (Telly Savalas as Blofeld) Bond villains often have distinctive whitish hair.  Check out these dos:
Red Grant
Elliot Carver
Emilio Largo

Karl Stromberg

Julian Assange (photo by

003. The lair.  Wikileaks is literally housed in an underground stone bunker, aka, the site for the final scene of every Bond film. No, seriously:  (See more pictures of the actual lair here.)


004. Nomadic lifestyle.  Bond villains don’t have homes. They are always on the move, always relocating, and they never go home for Christmas. Some of them even live on boats. Yes, they will often have a headquarters that more closely resembles Vatican City than it does your average Brookhaven McMansion (see #6), but Bond villains care about as much for their bases as a college freshman does for his dorm bathroom (as Franz Sanchez said after Bond destroyed his giant cocaine factory, “it’s only money”).  For his own part, Assange, who has lived in Australia, Tanzania, and Iceland (to name a few) gave a British judge a post office box as his address.  That guy goes through passports like you go through Kleenex in flu season.

005. The followers.  Bond villains don’t just have henchmen; they have uniformed armies.  And it takes a good stock purchase plan to get thousands of employees to man your undersea base when failure means getting dropped in the shark tank (The Spy Who Loved Me).  Being no slouch, Julian Assange has got an army of hackers working round the clock to undermine Bank of America, Amazon, and the U.S. Government.  And Assange doesn’t even pay these guys!!

006. Treats women like crap.  Julian Assange is sought for sex crimes in Sweden.  He allegedly had sex with one girl while she was sleeping?? and held another down and did his thing without a condom. While this may be par for the course at any fraternity house, it’s enough to get you jailed in Sweden.  In his defense, Assange said, “I am not promiscuous. I just really like women.” Well, Bond villains like women too . . . until they torture them, or they shoot them, or have them shot, or feed them to sharks, or poison them, or run them over, or drown them in hot liquid gold . . . but usually they just have them shot. Mark my words, those Swedish chicks are not long for this world.

Don't worry, Bin can fight all kinds of movie villians.
007. He’s blackmailing the world!! Assange’s lawyer has threatened that Assange’s evil organization, WikiLeaks, will release a “doomsday file” if the governments of the world don’t call off their dogs. This “doomsday ,” otherwise known as Assange’s insurance policy, is encrypted by an unbreakable 256 digit code and contains mega-secrets about everything from Bank of America to the Bay of Pigs. People, this is classic Bond villainy.  These guys create genius plots for global extortion involving nuclear weapons, space lasers, drugs, germ warfare, and the like.  Also, were it not for Bond, they would pull the trigger the second after that multi-billion dollar wire transfer went through.

    So, whether WikiLeaks gets shut down or not, expect Julian Assange to release the world’s teenage diary and wreck global politics.  That is, unless he goes out in an awesome, epic-like-Beowulf, blaze-of-glory death first.


    1. James Bond takes out Julian Assange's underground layer circa 1997.

    2. My God.. reading this horrible tripe just cost me 2 minutes of my life. I want my time back, ya Teabaggin' douchenozzle.

    3. This was truly puerile and uninformed. Leave it to a paranoid, xenophobic TEA Partier to be terrified of unbiased journalism and boil everything down to a black-and-white view of the world.

      Don't you people ever get sick of this "us versus them" bullshit?

    4. LMAO. That is kind-of awesome.
      I don't think it's paraniod at all, just a series of observations.
      I always thought he had "Bond Villian" hair.
      this has made my day.

    5. Geez, some people need to get a new sense of humor.

      Also, re: "Don't you people ever get sick of this "us versus them" bullshit?" - the only such stuff I see is from you, buddy.

    6. While a bit is a binary digit, most people think of a digit as a base-10 (or even alphanumeric character). It's 256 bit encryption, which is only 32 traditional 8 bit characters.

      That aside, great read.

    7. Very informative. I couldn't quite decide what to think about Julian until now. Thanks to Bin's "journalism", I have a much better understanding of the man and the events of recent. Much easier to follow than Fox. This is my new blog for politics and news. Thanks guys.

      Non-sarcastically though, awesome bit of observationalistic writing. Funny stuff.

    8. Interesting topic, but lacking in substance.

    9. very lame but hey good luck!

    10. You know what, the rest of you posters can suck it. This is spot on.

      One of the reasons Bond movies have always left me slightly flat (despite having seen all of them) is that the villains are so far from being grounded in reality. Hell, it wouldn't surprise me if the next movie crudely ripped off Ju Ass for the villain.

      C'mon people, HE HAS AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER FROM WHICH HE RUNS HIS GOVERNMENT BLACKMAIL OPERATION!!! How is that (and the hair) not enough to make you see the thrust of the post?

    11. v funny.
      do you think bond villains also have greasy hair?